James Edward Perry is not a bad man. Yes, he did kill a woman; her handicapped son and the son's nurse, but he is not truly at fault. You see, James read a book. The book, Hit Man: Technical Manual for Independent Contractors, actually did the crime... by writing about how to do it! The family sued the publisher, and won. They blazed a trail, others quickly followed.
Can you blame these poor mislead Americans though? As in the case of the porn flick The Devil in Miss Jones. The movie contains a scene were "Miss Jones" gets double fucked. In Chicago a 13 year old girl's family filed suit against the producers of the movie. It wasn't the parents fault that they left the tape where she could find it. It was not the parents fault that their little angel would invite two of her male friends over, become drunk and pass out. And it certainly wasn't the boys fault when they got the horrible idea to take advantage of a little girl after seeing such a conscious decision by the producers to make boys double fuck passed out 13 year olds!
This type of reasoning makes for great headlines, but it sure as hell doesn't put an end to any of our problems. John Hinkley was under the spell of Taxi Driver when Ronald Reagan got in the way of his bullets. Dan White blamed Twinkies when he murdered Harvey Milk, the fact that he was a homophobe and Milk was gay has absolutely nothing what so ever to do with the case! And John Lennon is dead because Mark Chapman had a hard-on for The Catcher in the Rye, right? Someone please tell me I'm right. Now they are trying to link Theodore Kaczynski (Unabomber) with Joseph Conrad's The Secret Agent, and each time we walk away from these cases none the wiser, placing blame not on the individuals who committed the acts but the ideas that MAY have been behind them.
Your honor, may I approach the bench? I hold here a few more cases of our blameless society. You see judge, we live in the age of the excuse. Everyone has a reason for why they did what they did, and I hope to prove to you today that they did it with a damn good excuse. Therefore my clients must be found innocent and set free upon mankind where they will possibly do it again and again... only with better excuses.

Timothy Carr killed a young man by slicing his throat and latter stealing the young man's car. Vicious killer? No. Was under a spell placed upon him by his girlfriend!

Melissa Burgeson, Carr's girlfriend, confessed to the murder in the backseat of a police car. Guilty? No. Police violated her rights to have a lawyer present.

Wesley Shaffer, burglarized a home, while armed. Scumbag? No, "sugar psychosis". He is a diabetic who ate cotton candy before the crime.

Charles Shapiro, land developer pleads guilty to hiring a hitman to kill his cousin. Pleaded guilty! All right. No, wait. Overturns plea due to overdose of antacids fowling up his judgment.

Jeremy Dean, stuck head out of car to puke. Friend swerves while drunk, head smacks tree, now disabled. Drunk fool? No. Sues county for letting tree protrude into roadway. Wins $700,000!

Jeremy Libby, breaks neck while crowd surfing. Another drunk fool? No. Sues band on stage, promoter, security guards, the town and the state. Wins big!

Bobby Dwayne Robinson, kills wife with a shot to the stomach and five to the back. Coward? No. Humanitarian! First shot an accident, the other five were to end her pain.

Jerry Merich, injures shoulder while hi-fiving a coffee shop employee. Jackass? No. Caffeine overdose, sues Starbucks Corp.
Andrew Daniels, bit into peanut M&M, but no peanut, hurt lip. Total idiot? No. Sues Mars/M&M Corp. Wins $2000.

Christopher Conley, caught two front teeth in basketball net while dunking. Newest Chicago Bull? No. Sued maker of net. Wins $50,000.

Troy Granger, sexually assaulted four year old girl. Pervert? No. Sleepwalker! History of sleep disorders.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you too can get off or sue big time like all these winners did. Just pick up a book, watch a movie or just blame the person sitting next to you right now! Its all in good fun, makes great headlines, and hell... you won't have to spend a single night in jail or broke! Just call the offices of Shyster, Shitter & Phuckem and we'll get you what you deserve for THEIR pain and suffering. 1-800-S0-SUE-ME.

This version is from Issue 6, but originally written for Issue 5, and was the article responsible for the loss of that issue, due to a certain group of sentences that the printer claimed were "child pornography" because the lines "brought questionable images to mind,". I later re-wrote it for Issue 6.

This version also appears in Virus Magazine. Please help support independent publishers.