I'm Fucked Up, You're Fucked Up!

It's been a while since that little fuck Norman Peale cropped this mortal coil, but his best-used-as-toilet-paper tome "The Power of Positive Thinking" still keeps popping up into popular culture (those poor cattle). Forty years ago this comic-book-without-drawings introduced the world to Peale's "happiness habit" and what he called, "Daily Affirmations" to a world that was just beginning to bloom with drug addicts, debauched culture and the newfound insanity of rock-n-roll.
Well, Mr. Peale, "Fuck you." Living in today's world of harsh reality and bitter disappointment, I give you all my, what I'm going to call, "Daily Guarantees".
Simply look yourself in the mirror, preferably in the eyes, and recite one or more of these phrases, preferably over a shot of Tequila. Soon, a new darker, and more attuned-to-life-today will appear… not as chipper, but definitely less annoying. So, you too can invoke the cynic within, while taking part in the mass-market, Dr. PhilOprahsizing and exploitation of human neurosis.

Daily Guarantees:

] When I feel empowered, I must remember that I too will grow old and die.

] I am human and I fuck up, but no one will accept this.

] No matter how good I feel, some dickhead will attempt to destroy my self-esteem.

] I am a faceless cog in the vast machinery of the Universe, of which I truly know nothing about.

] After my death the world will keep right on going.

] Atoms consist of mostly empty space, therefore all mater, including myself, is made up of mostly nothing.

] I have faith in my partner, unless the slut leaves me like many others, or I decide to run like hell.

] I am in touch with my inner-self. Since we don't always get along, that's what the drinking is for.

] Today I will enjoy and celebrate my existence by making all others feel as if they do not exist.

] All people are blessed and humanity is sacred, except for the assholes and the stupid.

] Addictive behavior proves to me that there is a purpose for me in life.

Now, if all this fails, and you find yourself still getting stepped on and hoodwinked, after your "Daily Guarantees", just close your eyes, breathe deeply for two minutes while picturing yourself smashing everything in the room to tiny, little fucking pieces!

2004