Yes, my third article in a row about the one thing I love most...my penis. Sexist, I doubt it. Freudian, maybe? I wouldn't write so much about my penis and its use, but face it, we live in a world were the penis and most sexual functions are taboo. Not many talk about sex, even fewer talk about my penis, and no one likes to talk about masturbation anymore. It's gone underground! And what better place for it to keep popping up (excuse the pun) than a fanzine?
Sex used to be in the movies, now it's been replaced with violence. My penis hasn't made its screen debut yet. Lastly masturbation was a hot topic in a lot of 80s movies, remember Fast Times At Ridgemont High? 9½ Weeks? Now it's long forgotten. Politics? Well, it has never really surfaced in politics. Very much like everything else that has to do with sex, the political covering of the subject was over with almost as soon as it began. Clinton fired Joycelyn Elders when she merely stated the obvious - teens masturbate. This past election voters were deprived of the chance to hear Republican candidate Bob Dole mumble himself into oblivion debating the party line on beating off. Clinton got rid of Elders way before that last election, without anyone really glossing on the subject even.
Consider it though, what if he had taken a stand, openly promoting the spanking of your monkey or tickling your taco! Stand up for masturbation as a national health objective and the GOP would be without a party platform. Jerking off doesn't create unwed mothers or welfare babies. Gingrich and Dole would have been stumped. Has anyone ever gotten AIDS from playing with themselves? I think not! The anti-gun freaks could have had a field day with it... their slogan could have been, "The hand that holds oneself cannot fire a handgun!" When have you ever heard a mass murder blaming masturbation as his motive. Of course, the Democrats being as moronic as they are failed to monopolize on this... that's why partisan politics don't work. Well, there are more reasons than that, but I digress. Studies have shown us that nine out of ten men, and six out of ten women masturbate. That tells us that, women are better liars than men. And that you're pretty abnormal if you don't wack off! You don't need a survey to tell you that more Americans masturbate... than vote.
Can you imagine if we introduced yanking it into the school curriculum? It would boost our sagging educational system to an all time high. It is true that a study was taken and found that among men and women, those with college degrees reported masturbating a lot more often than those without high school diplomas. Other than the fact that this study proves that those who take surveys have way too much time on their hands (excuse yet another pun), it reassures kids that it's okay to spend quality time with yourself... you might be a doctor someday! School would be taught differently and probably much funnier as well. Language Arts would take on a whole new meaning the day they cover the thousands of euphemisms and metaphors for masturbation.
Ancient History class could teach of the Phoenicians and how they decided that to appease the god Moloch they should no longer castrate themselves, instead masturbate into a fire. Literature class would read up on Mark Twain who, inspired by the Bible's tale of Onan who "spilt his seed" , gave a speech at the Stomach Club in Paris on the art of Onanism. Health and Home Economics could teach how Sylverter Graham, the cracker mogul and John Harvey Kellogg, of cereal fame both got their start writing books on the evils of masturbation and decided to come up with food products to end this sin.
When you come to think about it though, what would a text book on yanking the plank read like anyway?

SO YOU WANT TO MASTURBATE:
Take your penis (see figure 1) firmly but gently in the hand of which you write with. (If no penis is available, see Chapter 3: "Am I A Girl?") For best results, your penis should be free of confines, such as tight briefs, and extended away from body. As you touch your penis, its spongy tissue may expand, this is an erection (see glossary). when this happens begin to stroke slowly. Now faster. Fast still! Faster! Yes, go!! OOOooooops!! Don't worry, it's okay...that stuff just means you're done. (see Chapter 8: "So You Want to Make Babies") Clean it off. Don't be embarrassed, but don't tell anyone.

Oh well, if Billie just stood his ground rather than firing his surgeon general, masturbation could have been in the classroom... were it belongs!

From Issue 6.