My Top 10 Worst
Metal Songs Ever
One may read that title, and think me a snide opinionated asshole, but I have
no quarrel with that. I do, however, have a bone to pick with these ten artists
for making truly terrible heavy metal.
I won't mess around with the easy pickins of Alvin Dahn's "You're Driving
Me Mad" or "The King That Never Was" by Alternate Reality. Most
of my picks were spewed out by a major label, so you may think there would be
a bit of forgiveness for some of these artists, but I call 'em as I hear 'em.
I'll start off with one that is on all the haters' radar. If I were to let one
album dominate this list, every song off Lulu, by the tragic duo of Metallica
and Lou Reed, would be below. Instead, here's just one disastrous example…
Another that will
have many nodding in agreement is by Twisted Sister. A metal band with their
hand in anything Chrismas has either lost it, or is just being funny. To this
day, many can't decide what was on the Twisted crew's mind when they released
their 2006 atrocity, A Twisted Christmas, besides trying to cash in on
the season.
Speaking of bad
comedy, the band Green Jellö formed in the early 80s, but thanks to a sudden
rise towards stardom that defied logic, had to change their name to Green Jellÿ
in 1993. The legal troubles they faced made up for the trespass "Three
Little Pigs" committed against my ears that year.
Run DMC and Aerosmith
were the first to mix rap and rock (1986's "Walk This Way"), but the
first to mix rap and metal were not Downset or Rage Against the Machine, but
NY's Anthrax. Sadly, "I'm the Man" is a harrowing object lesson in
how the genres (as well as comedy) don't really mix. Recorded in 1984, but officially
released in 1987, even though it's certified platinum, I'm not laughing.
Sometimes, even some of music's best trip up, and fall. We can help them back up, or point and laugh as they dust themselves off. Celtic Frost fans have largely forgiven them for their Cold Lake fiasco (1988), but some of us are still giggling a bit.
You'd think that
members of Rainbow, Iron Maiden, along with Yngwie Malmsteen might provide mankind
with metal so graceful your ears would bleed. Well, you'll think differently
after hearing Alcatrazz. Their biggest hit, 1983's "Island In the Sun",
makes ears bleed for all the wrong reasons.
Canada has given
the world kick ass music via Rush, Lime and Voivod, but they have also littered
the airwaves with just as much garbage as any other First World nation. Capitol
Records helped them to do a bit of it in 1984 by releasing Helix's Walkin'
the Razor's Edge. A record so blatant in its attempt to hook you, it set
cheerleader chants to hard rock kicks.
Everyone knows
actors shouldn't try their hand at music. Jared Leto's Thirty Seconds to Mars,
Bruce Willis doing R&B, Ryan Gosling in Dead Man's Bones - no one cares.
Yet, it's better no one care about you, than everyone hate you, and none compare
in hating-an-actor-getting-in-on-your-scene than Jada Pinkett Smith's Wicked
Wisdom. This is what happens when Scientology meets heavy metal.
Some albums are
said to be ahead of their time for the instruments used, such as early synths,
or wild guitar pedals, but there are those that offer something unique, and
the gimmick doesn't make a lick of difference in sound; like L.A.'s Nitro proclaiming
guitarist Michael Angelo Batio used a one-of-a-kind quad guitar (4 necks!).
It doesn't help when Batio is plucking away wildly throughout O.F.R.
(1989, Rhino Entertainment), and the singer is trying to out-note him in a high
nasal shriek.
Now, I'm all for
Grrrl Power, but, while there are plenty of cases where the music almost outshines
the message (Bikini Kill, G.L.O.S.S., etc), there are bands who were wonderful
in idea, but failed in practice. My last entry is an indie band, Thrash Queen,
who released two bizarre LPs. The first was Manslayer, in 1985, and it
was supposed to be a thrash metal feminist statement, but was recorded, and
played, so poorly, it received nothing, but contempt. On an odd side note, Metal
Enterprises later thought it profitable to put out a parody of it, piecing together
a fake version of Thrash Queen, to produce the joke album, Ashes To Ashes.
I hope to not have
ruffled too many feathered hairdos, but if you disagree, grow a backbone (or
grab a can of hairspray), and write your own worst Top 10.
A. Souto, 2016
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